It was 7 years ago, I was 42, I was very happy to be pregnant and there was a big gap after my son and daughter but I knew it would work. I felt good, I was at a healthy point in my life.
When I first went to the Dr and told her I thought I was pregnant she said. ”Oh well, women of your age it doesn’t always work” I had done the test and thought I’m pregnant and I thought it was a mean thing to say. It crossed my mind that I should be getting more help as in previous pregnancies I was prescribed progesterone. She did give me a light dose of tablets. One day I felt some pain and felt a bit uncomfortable but nothing happened.
I was booked in for the 12 week scan which ended up being at 14 weeks and that was when the horror began. You go along and just know that something was wrong. In hindsight just before that I didn’t feel as pregnant as prior to that. It was a hell of a shock and they were just looking and looking and looking and then they step out of the room and don’t say anything to you. I’d had two healthy pregnancies before this and I just knew something was wrong…. It was just like the world had stopped at that moment.
After that it was pretty matter of fact – I was given the option of letting it happen naturally or a termination via a D&C. We opted to go private because I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. However it was a very cold experience, all very matter of fact, done and dusted and then we were home and had to get on with it. I was asked what religion I was and if I wanted a burial – which shocked me as I just wasn’t expecting that and it was so final.
Because I was just at 14 weeks, I was waiting for my scan before I told any of my family and friends, so it was a double blow that I had to tell them I was pregnant and now I wasn’t. My mother called me a dark-horse, when all I wanted was some support and kindness.
I felt incredibly low, just “done in” and wanted to go to bed and never get up. My thoughts were suicidal. A friend who had early miscarriages was there for me when she could be and my husband I felt wasn’t there for me at the time. I guess it was his way of coping to go out and leave me. My friend told my husband to get a doctor as she was very worried about me. The doctor came and immediately prescribed anti-depressants. This is what got me through – it numbed me and it was the only way I coped with life as a mother, a wife and a business woman. I carried on regardless and didn’t speak of it again.
It wasn’t until I heard you speak of your story that it brought it up for me again and now I feel that it’s really helped to talk about it.
Has it affected your relationship with your husband and family?
Yes, I have since divorced and I really feel that was a pivotal point in our marriage when I realised he wasn’t there for me.
My family didn’t really understand, they were a bit cross that I hadn’t told them the news I was pregnant in the first place, but I was superstitious and wanted to wait for the all clear after the scan. It wasn’t spoken of again, I guess they thought I was coping and was ok.
What was the hardest thing for you at the time?
It was when I got home, my suicidal thoughts, and the most traumatic thing was the scan.
What helped you heal?
The anti-depressants were the only thing that got me through and with some family traumas and my divorce I stayed on them until 2 weeks ago.
In hindsight would you have done anything differently?
Yes I would have sought help and talked about it either counselling or psychotherapy. It would have been really helpful to have had someone who had also been through it who understood.
Looking back have you found any meaning?
No, no meaning at all – but maybe I wasn’t on my right path and it happened to highlight something for me to be a better person, otherwise I would have just been Mum, Wife & Businesswoman. Sometimes I get guilty feelings about having had a cigarette that one day when I felt bad. But I know that wasn’t the reason. I think it made me stronger “I survived that”. It planted some seeds that all was not well in my relationship – It wasn’t the fairytale I thought it was.